Wall of Secrets
by Xandra73
Summary: Jack and Kate after Mexico.


A small drop of blood appeared on her finger when the thorn pierced her skin. 

'I really shouldn't buy flowers with thorns when I'm upset,' Kate thought while she sucked at her finger. She finished arranging the yellow roses in the brown vase on the little table right besides the large window of her living room. They were her favourites. She always bought flowers when she wanted to cheer herself up.

Kate felt exhausted. A few moments on the sofa with her eyes closed would hopefully prevent the headache that started to pulse behind her eyes.

She had visited her father today and it had been like every other visit before. He was nothing more than a shadow of his former self. They had spent a few hours together, Kate had tried to engage him in a conversation, but mostly it had been she who'd talked. She'd told him about the latest developments at his company, her own life in general, but he hadn't even listened. He'd just sat on the bench on his veranda, looking out at the garden.

Nothing had been the same since his little baby girl got arrested and sentenced for lifetime imprisonment. The question of _'why'_ turned into a spiral that was pulling him out of the real world and into a dimension of grief and sorrow.

Kate knew, any quest for an explanation was hopeless. She'd seen the madness in Marie's eyes.  
She'd visited her sister several times. Had tried to talk to her, but all she'd got was this little 'all knowing' smile Marie loved to use just to mock her. Her little sister didn't care a bit about what happened. To anyone, not even her family.

Watching her father like this broke her heart, but she couldn't think of anything to pull him back into his old life. How could she do it, when even the doctors had no cure?

She felt so helpless. On days like this she missed Jack the most. She wasn't a little girl who couldn't handle her own problems, but at the same time she couldn't deny the benefits of being in a relationship. There would be someone she could share her troubles with. Someone to lean onto. Someone holding her. And it had been so long. She missed his touch, his kisses, the warm tingling down her spine when he whispered into her ear. She would give everything to have him here at the moment. Only he wasn't.

Kate stretched on the sofa, closing her eyes, allowing her mind to drift back in time.

Their first date was still very vivid in her mind. After all the things that had happened on the day the nuke went off, she hadn't been sure if she could trust her feelings. Had she fallen in love with Jack, or was it just misinterpreted gratitude for saving her life? She had decided to visit him at the hospital back then. After his heart attack he had to stay there for a couple of weeks for a full recovery. An amused smile appeared on her lips. It had been such an awkward visit. She'd behaved like the fifteen year old girl talking to the captain of the high school football team all over again. Afterwards she had been convinced she had blown her chance.

After Jack had been released from the hospital it had been Kim who'd taken the initiative. She'd called Kate one day and asked her if she would mind asking her dad out for a date. Evidently Kim was tired of him sitting around all day, brooding over things past, not being able to look forward. Kim knew that her father liked Kate and she had been under the impression that those feelings were mutual. The only problem was, so Kim told her, that Jack wouldn't make the first step. The death of Teri still haunted him, but Kim wanted him to move on. She wanted him to be happy again. And if she had to force him towards happiness, so be it.

That's how Kate found herself inviting Jack for dinner, which had started out as awkward as her visit at the hospital, but in the end had turned into a very nice evening. She had known that he was a gentleman when she'd first met him, but she'd been surprised how good they both seemed to connect. Besides his charm and good looks, he was also a man who could listen, to whom she could really talk to. He felt so much more real than all those arrogant, stuck-up idiots she'd met in the circles she usually lived and worked in.

Kate sighed and rubbed her closed eyes. Why did she always trudge back down the memory lane? There was no use at all. He wasn't here now and nothing she could do would change that.

The sudden ring of her phone intruded her thoughts and reluctantly she opened her eyes. The possibility that it could be Jack crossed her mind for a second, but she pushed it away immediately. She'd decided months ago that waiting for his call was nothing more than never ending disappointment.

She reached for the phone before the answering machine could pick up.

"Yes?"

"Kate? Hi, it's Kim!" Jack's daughter answered on the other end of the line. Her high voice still sounded like it belonged to a little girl, despite that she'd turned twenty last month.

"Kim? Hi! What a surprise. How are you doing?" Since Kim had started working for CTU Kate hadn't seen much of her. Kim was determined to prove herself at her new job and it didn't leave her much time for the shopping trips to Beverly Hills, the ones they had loved so much before.

"Oh, I'm great. Everything's going pretty well," Kim said.

"I'm so glad to hear that." Kate tried to imagine how difficult it must be for Kim to work at CTU, the same office her father worked for, the same place her mother had died. Secretly she was very proud of Kim. The girl was so eager to overcome the odds and have her own career in spite of all.

"Yes, well. We're really busy right now. That's why I'm calling. I'm looking for my dad. Is he with you? Can I talk to him? We need him over at the prison."

When Kate didn't respond, Kim started to hesitate. "Kate?"

"What are you talking about? Why should he be here?" Kate asked confusedly, the headache forgotten.  
"Well, he's not picking up his cell, he's not at his apartment and since you two are together, it shouldn't be so surprising," Kim sounded irritated now.

"But Jack's still away on that mission."

"What? No. He's back since last week. Don't tell me you didn't know that."

"Last week?"

"You really don't know? That doesn't make any sense."

"No, it doesn't," Kate's mind was running in circles. "Kim, will you tell me when you've found him?"

"Yes, sure."

"Thank you," Kate said. She needed this conversation to end, so she could think about what she'd just heard.

Jack was back.

_'For a week.'_

What was going on?

She grabbed the phone again and called his cell phone. After a few beeps the mailbox picked up.

So he really was back. Otherwise the mailbox would've been turned off.

Where was he? Why was he avoiding her?

He'd better had a very good reason for this. She at least couldn't think of anything bad enough to cause behaviour like this. Which made her increasingly nervous. Something must have happened while he was away.

She decided to find out.

---

Kate felt uncomfortable. Sneaking into Jack's apartment like this felt very wrong. But she had the keys, so why not wait inside? She closed the door and slowly climbed the stairs, looking around.

The bed was rumpled and clothes lay carelessly sprawled around. Empty bottles stood in the sink and on the floor. No doubt, Jack was back, but obviously had returned without his usual sense of order. She couldn't remember ever seeing this place in such a mess.

Kate was unsure about what to do. She knew he would come home sooner or later and she was inclined to wait. So she pushed a few clothes from the sofa and made herself comfortable.

She still tried desperately to figure out his reasons for avoiding her. Of course she had known from the beginning that their relationship wouldn't be easy and she'd accepted it. Jack was a difficult man, who had suffered so much pain in the past. She knew he wouldn't be able to shed his history for an easy going relationship. But it didn't explain why he hadn't contacted her after he'd been away for six long months.

He had been on assignments for a few days here and then before, but never over such a long time period. Working undercover, pretending to be someone else for months was such an abstract concept to her and Kate sometimes wondered how Jack was able to do it. So maybe she just overreacted. She really should try to be less needy and a little bit more supportive. Surely there was an easy answer she simply couldn't see.

But how much would he say anyway? The thing he worked on was top secret, which meant he wasn't allowed to tell her much. 'Maybe that's why Tony and Michelle are the perfect couple', Kate thought. They weren't forced to keep any secrets from each other.

Once Jack had told her about the guilt that still plagued him. How he hadn't been able to keep his private life separate from work while he had been married to Teri. And how, besides all his efforts, in the end his wall of secrets crumbled down and destroyed their lives.

Back then Kate had tried to make him promise not to keep her out of this part of his life. She'd experienced 'his work' first hand after all. She didn't want him to start building up this wall again. He'd promised it half-heartedly, but she realized soon enough he would never open up like she'd hoped for. Partly because he wasn't allowed to and partly because he simply couldn't. Not that he held back on her deliberately, but it had just become his habit. He was so used to handle everything on his own and the need to protect others prevented him from reaching out.

Deep inside she knew secrecy would stand always between them.

Two hours later the sun had already set and Kate had dozed off into a light sleep. The sound of a key and the opening of a door woke her and Kate sat up at once. She was nervous. The joy to see Jack again was mixed with a worried curiosity about any forthcoming explanations.

She tried to see something in the darkness when suddenly the lights flashed on and a gun was pointed right at her. Her eyes went wide.

"Kate!" Jack said surprised. Hastily he lowered his gun and put it away. "Are you crazy sitting here in the darkness? I could've shot you!"

Kate's face lost all colour as she realized her mistake.

"What are you doing here?"

"I...I'm sorry, Jack," Kate stammered while she got up from the sofa. "I got a call from Kim. She's looking for you. She told me you've been back for a couple of days." Her voice turned reproachful. "Why didn't you call me?"

Jack stood on the edge of the stairs, just staring at her for a moment. Obviously feeling uncomfortable, he looked away to avoid her accusing gaze. It almost seemed as though he was afraid to face her.  
"The mission didn't go smoothly. I had a lot of work to do."

All she wanted was the truth, but it didn't look like he meant to give her that.

"Jack..."

A rueful smile appeared on Jack's lips and he looked like he'd realized how shallow his explanation had been. Finally he locked gazes with her.

"I'm sorry, Kate," he apologized. "A lot of things have happened that I have to deal with. I needed a few days for myself to think. It's hard to understand, I know, but after six months doing undercover work, I can't just switch back to daily routine. I should've told you before I left."

Kate eased up a bit. This actually made sense. Kind of.

"Oh. That's it? Nothing else?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Well..., okay then." Kate said with relief in her voice. "Did it help? Thinking things over?"

Jack's smile seemed a bit forced when he answered.

"Yes, I guess."

They just stood there for a moment, looking at each other. 'I should say something,' Kate thought but at the same time couldn't think of anything worth saying. She was so relieved that he was back safe. She had wanted to talk about so many things, ask him so many questions, but now she didn't know how to start. This wasn't exactly how she thought their reunion would be. 'Please don't stand there like a stranger,' she pleaded silently. The silence grew more and more uncomfortable.

Suddenly tears started to well up in Kate's eyes. 'Okay, that's not how it should go either,' she thought furiously, but wasn't able to stop it.

"I'm so glad you're back. I was afraid that...that maybe something might...," she covered her mouth with her hand to stifle a sob and the right words finally found their way out. "I missed you so much."

"Oh, Kate." With a few strides Jack crossed the room and took her into his arms, holding her tightly before looking at her again. "Please. Don't cry. I'm sorry and you know, I'm really glad you're here now."

Carefully he pushed a strain of hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear.

"You've cut your hair?" he asked, playing with the blonde strands that ended shortly above her shoulder.

"Yeah," she smiled and touched his hand, taking it into hers. "Do you like it?"

"I like it a lot," he whispered and kissed her on the forehead. "I promise you, everything is fine now."

Kate looked into his eyes. "Yes," she said, before she started to kiss him. For a brief second she thought he was pulling back, but maybe her imagination had been fooling her, because he was leaning into the kiss just a second later.

---

Yes, everything was going to be all right. It had to be.

Later that night Kate lay in Jack's bed, unable to sleep. By rights she shouldn't feel anything but happiness that he was here beside her. However, that wasn't what she was feeling at all. What she felt instead was more like a weird blend of hesitant relief, uneasiness and doubt. If his words had made her uneasy, his touch had doubly increased her anxiety.

Usually Jack was very sensitive and gentle when they had sex and they both loved to take their time. But today? Could be it was just the long time apart, but it had almost felt like she had been sleeping with another man. 'Rough and fast' sounded harsh, but that's how it had been. She'd sensed his tension, sensed his desperate clinging to control. She still felt his grip on her arms, pinning her down while taking her, giving her no chance to move or take initiative. It had been over fast. Too fast. As if he'd just wanted to get it over with. If she had ever denied it, by now she was sure he was hiding something. Maybe he met someone else during his time away? That would also explain why he did not contact her when he came back.

'God, Kate,' she chided herself. 'Stop being so suspicious!' She hated herself for her doubts, but she wasn't able to suspend them.

Finally she broke her stare at the ceiling and turned around to look at Jack who, unlike her, seemed to have no trouble sleeping. The lines around his eyes had become deeper since she'd last seen him, they also didn't vanish while sleeping like they used to.

"What were you up to during the last few months?" she whispered silently, while she slowly caressed his hair with her fingers.

She noticed a mark on his left arm. Was that a tattoo? She had never seen it before. It was big, but the darkness of the night prevented her from seeing any details. Kate tried to turn the inside of his arm into the moonlight that fell onto the bed to get a better look at it.

"Why aren't you asleep?" Jack asked drowsily, pulling his arm away.

"I'm sorry honey, I didn't mean to wake you up. Go back to sleep," Kate said softly.

He grabbed her and pulled her closer. "Only if you join me," he whispered into her ear.

---

Kate was frustrated.

Jack had been back for three weeks now and still nothing was back to normal. She barely saw him anymore. And if she did, it was only because she took the initiative. Never him. They hadn't even spent a single night together after that evening when she'd surprised him at home.

'What is it that you're not telling me?'

She could almost feel the wall of secrets, the very same Jack had told her about once, grow bigger and bigger. She wished there was a way to tear it down before it tore them apart.

All she knew was that he had been infiltrating a terrorist organization down in Mexico. When things had started to get rough, they had decided to abort, captured one of the terrorists and put him in jail here in L.A.

In Kate's opinion that information was not even a raw sketch of what was really going on. But Jack had blocked off all her questions. Not only those who were classified. All of them. Trying to handle everything on his own as always. She wondered why she had expected it to be different this time.

In the beginning of their relationship she had tried to change him. She'd fallen back into her old behaviour which she had developed when her mother had died all those years ago. She'd taken over her role in the family, raising her sister, supporting her dad, managing the household. Of course Jack didn't need another mother and he soon made it clear to her that he could take care of himself. Kate wasn't so sure about that sometimes, but she had forced herself to adjust.

What had happened in Mexico? Shouldn't be three weeks enough time to readjust?

And it just got worse, not better.

What frightened her most was the look in his eyes. It happened rarely that he talked about his feelings, but usually Kate could read a lot from glances. But now? It was like looking into an abyss. The smiles on his face never reached his eyes.

Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder who the man was that had returned to her. He constantly kept her at a distance. Working overtime she was used to. But not to this extend. And where was he when he wasn't working? Kate had tried to reach him at CTU several times, just to hear that he'd left early for the day.  
At first she had thought that maybe he'd met someone else in Mexico. But last night's dinner from hell pushed Jack's behaviour into a completely new perspective.

That's why she had decided to sneak into Jack's apartment again. She had to find proof. If she was careful he wouldn't find out. Especially if she had to leave with empty hands. But in case she found something...

---

A few hours later Kate sat at the counter of her kitchen, staring at the little silver box that lay in front of her. Her initial feeling of remorse for going through Jack's things had been blown away, as soon as she had found and opened it.

Needles, syringes, a tourniquet and three little vials with an amber liquid.

Drugs.

Jack using drugs? It seemed like such an absurd idea to her. Two things she would never combine in her wildest dreams, but it explained his odd behaviour over the last few weeks. For sure it explained last night. It hadn't been another woman, but something far more troublesome.

Kate hated herself right then. Why hadn't she suspected earlier? There had been signs, but she'd unconsciously decided to ignore them. Like she always did. At the company everyone praised her instinct and ability to handle problems and settle conflicts. But when it came to the people close to her, avoiding conflict sometimes seemed like a second nature to her. It had happened with Marie and now with Jack it was just the same.

Did he start using in Mexico? Why didn't he tell anyone? Had he been forced? Had he started on his own free will? Or had he started before Mexico...

Jack loved her, she was sure of that, but he had never been able to let go of his memories. His past had always been a part of their present, hanging over them like a shadow. She'd thought she could see slow progress over the months they had been together, but the weeks of preparation for the new assignment had felt like a throwback. There had been a growing distance between them and she hadn't been able to explain why. Only when Jack had told her about the upcoming mission, she'd found a reason that made sense. Him pulling back from her was most probably part of his preparation before going undercover.

But what if it wasn't?

All of a sudden Kate heard someone at the door. She never doubted who that was. Nervousness started to rise in her and her heart began to beat faster. The door opened and closed. She didn't dare to look up so she kept her eyes fixed on the box. When the soft footsteps stopped, she gathered all her courage and looked up to Jack, who was standing in her kitchen's doorway.

He didn't look well. He had rings under his eyes and a thin film of sweat covered his face. She could see how he struggled to let his breath sound even. Jack's gaze fell on the heroin kit on the counter.

"I think you have something that belongs to me." His voice was soft, but edged on a dangerous undertone. A shiver of fear ran down Kate's spine. He was clearly on withdrawal. It came to her then that taking the kit hadn't been such a good idea after all.

"I guess so," she said and placed a hand over the box to protect it.

"Then give it back," he said and opened his hand. It was shaking slightly.

"Not until you tell me what's going on, Jack. Drugs? That's the last thing I would expected from you. How long have you been using this stuff? And why? Does anyone know about this? Does _'Kim'_ know about this?" The questions that have been building up in her since she'd found the drugs finally finding a release.

Jack lowered his hand again.

"No one knows," he said with a pressed voice. Was it suppressed anger or the need for a fix? She wasn't sure but he looked like he was close to losing control. "Kate, I told you. Give me the kit," he continued, "or..."

"Or what? How long had you planned to continue this, Jack? Did you really think I wouldn't find out?" She was angry now and her frustration firmed her voice. "Well, you have been quite successful so far, I got to give you that. But yesterday? Finally we went out to dinner, after you made up excuses to cancel for weeks! And what is it you do? Ruining the whole evening. Your behaviour towards the waiter at the restaurant was embarrassing. Did you really expect I wouldn't notice that you've taken something? Better check your eyes next time. Your pupils had the size of a pin. That's why I went to your apartment. To find proof. And... well, I did," she took the kit into her hands and stared at Jack.

"Tell me, Jack. Have you been forced to do this in Mexico?"

Jack just glared at her coldly.

Kate shook her head. "No. Am I right? No one forced you. Or you wouldn't have kept it a secret. It was your own choice."

"Kate...," Jack growled and made a step forward.

She held the kit behind her back and started to retreat, keeping some space between them.

"Would you ever have told me, Jack? And will you stop before it kills you? I won't give it to you until you promise me to enter a program."

"I will."

"When?"

"When the time is right. Now give me the kit!"

"No!"

Suddenly Jack took a few steps forward and grabbed her arms, trying to get a hold of the box. She resisted as much as she could, but it took only seconds until he was able to wrench it from her hands. As soon as he had a sure grip on it, he pushed her away, his eyes only on the kit. When he let go of her, Kate lost her balance and fell over the chair standing behind her. It happened so fast, Kate didn't even realize what happened until she hit the floor. She lay very still for a few seconds, trying to understand how she got there. She felt a little dizzy, but there wasn't any blood that she could feel when she touched the back of her head, just the beginning of a swelling where her head had hit the stone tiles.

Jack stood in front of her and looked like he had frozen into a statue, the box still in his hands.

"Kate, I... I didn't..." He never finished the sentence and was gone the next moment.

---

Kate woke out of an uneasy sleep. How late was it? With tired eyes she looked at the illuminated clock besides her bed. 3:18 am.

'God,' she grunted. 'It's in the middle of the night!' Resolutely she grabbed the blanket and turned around, away from the bright numbers of the clock.

A moment later she froze. Was there someone else in the room? It was hardly audible, but she thought she heard someone breathing. Carefully Kate opened her eyes again and peered into the darkness of her bedroom. Indeed she could see another person sitting on the chair next to the door. When she tried to sit up, the dark silhouette started to speak.

"Don't sit. Please. Lay still and listen to what I have to say." The voice was very soft, but she recognized it immediately.

"Jack? Where have you been? Why are you sitting in the darkness?" She reached out to turn on the light.  
"Leave the light turned off. I just want you to listen. Do me this favour, will you?"

Reluctantly Kate moved her hand away from the light switch and lay back down.

"Okay, then. What do you want to tell me?" she asked.

At first there was only silence. Had he changed his mind? Maybe she should switch on the light after all. Then she heard him clearing his throat. He obviously had a hard time finding a good way to start.

"First of all I want to apologize. I should have never pushed you like this. I...I wasn't thinking clearly."

"It's okay, Jack. Really. It's not as bad as it maybe seemed," she said, the pulsing throb on the back of her head a reminder of how close she'd gotten around a concussion.

"No, it's not okay. It never should have happened. It's... inexcusable. I don't lose control like this," Jack continued. "And I am very sorry you found out about the drugs. You weren't supposed to. No one is. I'm gonna deal with this problem myself."

"But why? With help it's..."

"Shush. I asked you to listen," Jack interrupted her with an annoyed tone in his voice.

Kate swallowed her urge to argue and decided to let him speak.

"You'd asked me why I started using. Well, I started because my undercover mission required me to infiltrate a drug cartel. I was convinced it would help me winning the Salazar's trust a lot faster. I did it for the success of the mission, that was the reason."

"That's doubt in your voice. Do you really believe what you say? Who do you want to fool, Jack?" Kate wondered if it was the right choice to push, but she couldn't help it, his voice wasn't quite steady enough for her to believe him.

It took Jack a while before he answered. "Maybe there were other reasons." His voice had slipped into a murmur and Kate had to strain her ears to understand what he said. "Maybe those other reasons made me start using early and maybe they are the reasons I still haven't kicked it. But my decision to use heroin was born out of the necessity to win the Salazar's trust."

"What other reasons, Jack?" Kate feared she already knew some of them, she just couldn't believe he found no other way to face them.

"None of your business." Jack found his composure again and his voice hardened. "I intend to get rid of it. But I don't want any help. Not from you and especially not from CTU. They don't know about it and I intend to keep it this way. I will stop this on my own. You have to promise me not to tell anyone."

"But..."

"Kate. I 'need' to do this on my own." He sounded almost desperate.

"I promise," Kate finally agreed. What else could she do? She would ruin his career, if she went over his head and reported him to CTU.

"Thank you." Jack seemed satisfied enough to turn the subject into another direction. "I know, you want me to tell you more about the last six months." Another pause. "It's just... well, you think you know me, but you don't. Mexico may have been just another mission, but one that has left deep scars. If you knew half the things I had to do there in the line of duty, you would turn away in disgust. Sometimes I look into the mirror and I don't recognize me anymore. Who is this man? I don't want you to see the monster I've become."

"You're not a monster, Jack," Kate whispered.

"So much has happened in Mexico," Jack continued, ignoring her. "things that made me think. About my line of work, relationships, my life. At that point I realized that I've learned nothing from the things that happened in the past. Teri's death should've taught me something, but obviously I'm not a very good listener. Working for CTU and trying to have a relationship is an explosive combination. No matter how hard I try, it will clash sooner or later."

Jack paused and it seemed to Kate as if he was collecting his strength for the final part of his little speech.

"All my relationships have been based on lies and secrets. How can I ask you to live like that? In the end you will just get hurt. What happened today is just further proof. If we stay together, I should give up this job. It's just... I can't, you know? Not now. There's still so much to do." She heard him breathing heavily.

"Jack, don't say that! Nothing will happen and I really don't think you need to give up your job. I know how important it is. Just because what happened to Teri doesn't mean we can't make it work!" Kate tried to resolve his doubts while she finally sat up. "We love each other. That's the most important thing of all. Shouldn't that be worth enough to try it?"

Jack didn't answer.

"Jack? Shouldn't it?" Why wasn't he answering? Suddenly she realized there might be more to the whole thing than she thought.

"Jack? You 'do' love me, don't you?" Panic was raising in Kate's voice and a painful lump grew in her throat.

"Please, don't ask me this," he answered with pain in his voice.

"Jack? Tell me!"

Silence.

"I...I don't know what my feelings are anymore, Kate," Jack finally answered while his voice turned into a whisper. "I really don't."

Another short pause before he continued with a little bit more steadiness in his voice: "I want to be with you. You're such a wonderful woman, Kate. I just don't know anymore if it is because I love you, or simply because of my fear of being alone."

"I don't believe you, Jack. I don't. I know you love me," Kate said with a shaking voice, trying to convince him -- and herself.

She could see him shake his head in the dim moonlight that fell into the room.

"I wish you hadn't asked. I'm so sorry about everything, Kate. You should be with someone who is sure about his feelings. Who loves you without question and who is able to completely commit to a relationship. I would love to be that man, but I don't think I can be. You deserve so much better than that." And after a few seconds he added: "I think it's best if we don't see each other anymore."

"Jack...," Kate started, but he interrupted her.

"I'm so sorry," was the last thing she heard, before the shadow left through the door.

In a second she'd switched on the light. Not bothering to put on a robe over her nightgown she ran after him, trying to catch him. But when she reached the entrance door, Jack was already gone.

Something lay on the table beside the door.

His keys to her house.

"Oh, Jack," she thought, while tears started to well up in her eyes. "Please come back."

_end _


End file.
